My Most Hated Things: A Musical Ode

I could put an explanation here: “To the tune of…” However, I’m guessing that all of you are sharp enough to figure this one out. If you aren’t, please email me and I will rewrite the penultimate verse to include you.

Special thanks goes to the Celtics fans who attended Saturday’s game, especially, and Monday’s game as well. Thinking about how I wanted to punch all of them in the face got me thinking about other sports things that I hate. These fans do not appear in this song, but they are the inspiration behind it.

Patriots Nation and Cardinal backers
Manny Ramirez and other dumb slackers
Media types whose “insight” is wanting
These are a few of my most hated things

Nibbling the corners and walking the batters
Pumping your fist like your stupid team matters
The Packers will cause my rage bell to ring
These are a few of my most hated things

The Astros, the Reds and the Milwaukee Brewers
I wish these teams would be flushed down the sewers
But playing the Pirates a victory brings
So they are not one of my most hated things

Headhunter Beckett and ‘roided-up freaks
Your lack of integrity gives me the creeps
Bill Belichick acts like he’s king
These are a few of my most hated things

Jeter and A-Rod and CC, that fatty
All Yankee players, oh so mercenary
You can’t buy a pennant, that surely must sting
These are a few of my most hated things

Tony LaRussa, that fraud Dusty Baker
All their excuses could fill up an acre
Did I mention the Cards, how their ass needs kicking!
These are a few of my most hated things

When the hate strikes
I don’t fight it
That isn’t much fun
I simply remember my most hated things
And then I go find my gun!

Media Guides

I’m sure hours of research and writing go into a team’s media guide.  Pages of team information are right at the commentators’ fingertips.  But over the course of a season, several sports announcers may cover a team, especially those that are nationally televised.  And they all seem to pick the same tidbits from the media guide, as if they have a piece of information that hasn’t been available all season.

I’ve noticed this often during the college basketball season.  Here are a few things I’ve been told more times than I can count:
- UConn’s Hasheem Thabeet blocks almost everything that comes near the basket.
- Big man Mike Tisdale of Illinois is on a “diet” of 6,000 calories a day.
- Tom Crean has a top-5 recruiting class coming to Indiana next year.
- Tyler Hansbrough will leave a mark as the top ACC scorer to date.
- No team seems to want to be #1.

I realize the commentators can’t watch all the games of all the teams they are eventually going to cover, and I know they gravitate toward the interesting or ironic notes that make them feel clever.  But the comment about former Illini walk-on Jeff Jordan now being on scholarship, “Why does Michael Jordan’s son need a scholarship?” was only amusing the first time.  Not so much the second time.  Or the third.  Etc.

My suggestion:  Have a master copy of the media guide where each commentator can mark the stats they mention.  As the season goes on, they will have to work a little harder to find good stuff, but at least they will see what’s been mentioned 20 or so times.  They will appear to have fresh information, come across as more knowledgable and fans will get to appreciate more of the research that goes into the media guides.

Are You a Fan?

Today Mike Downey had an interesting column in the Trib.  He basically says there’s no point in watching Chicago sports this winter, because no teams are going to be in contention for titles. 

I can’t disagree with his comments about the teams being average.  But is that a reason not to watch?  I hope not.  If you truly are a local fan, you should watch and support your team anyway.  Even if the team is average.  Or worse.  After all, this is Chicago — if any town knows how to cheer for a losing team, this should be it.

See, if you claim to be a fan, be a fan.  Cheer on your team.  Wear the colors.  And enjoy them, even if they don’t win every game.  If you only watch when the team is winning, then at least be honest about the fact that you’re jumping on the bandwagon for a playoff ride.  Some general sports fan watch for quality play, and that’s fine, as long as they acknowledge that they are simply supporting excellence and don’t claim to be a “fill-in-the-blank” fan. 

Downey can get away with his comments.  After all, he’s a journalist, and therefore, in theory, impartial.  He watches because it’s his job.  And he’s a columnist, so he’s expected to provoke reaction.  But the idea that you shouldn’t watch just because your team isn’t winning?  That’s not what being a fan should be about.  Hanging in there when it’s tough makes the good years that much more fun.  And it proves your loyalty. 

Just my two cents.

This is Painful

I realize this will probably come off like the rantings of an angry Cubs fan (and trust me, I AM angry), but is it at all possible for TBS to find a broadcasting team that knows the business end of their lower half from the proverbial hole in the ground?

Results on the field aside, all I ask for is simple accuracy along with a teeny bit of insight every now and then. But in lieu of insight, we get commentary on how hard it must be for Cubs fans. And really, we don’t need their pity…we’ve gotten by just fine without it for 100 years. And they should know that, because they insist on flogging the 100 years story to death.

We’re also told someone went 0-for-4 with a single. We’re told that Fukudome hit a walk-off homer on the first day of the season. I really wish I had seen that game. That would have been better than the one I saw, where the Cubs came back and tied it in the 9th, only to go on to lose.

Moreover, they are continually inaccurate when it comes to basic data like the pronounciation of players’ names, the inning, the count, the number of outs, and the number of errors the Cubs have committed so far. I don’t mean a once or twice “oops, I misspoke” sort of thing. I mean a constant failure to master even the basics. All I want is a broadcasting team that remembers what happened 10 seconds ago. Is that really too much to ask?

Total Domination

Most of the time, I prefer a really good game to total domination, because good games are usually more interesting.  There are times, though, when I savor domination and would like to see more of it.  Recently, there have been quite a few instances of total domination — or lack thereof — that delight and annoy.

USC 35, OSU 3
This one really annoyed me.  I wasn’t able to watch, but I was hoping for a really good game.  Would have been good for college football and the Big Ten if it had been a game.  I am already tired of the comment, “The only team that can beat USC is USC.” 

Cubs pitching vs. Houston
1 hit in a 2-game series?  Wow.  This was a total domination to savor.  A no-hitter, followed by a (very) quality start and a solid bullpen effort.  This should give the Cubs momentum to ride into the post season…

Brewers front office vs. Ned Yost
I believe the loss of your job classifies as being dominated, and this is one of those instances that has me scratching my head, just because the end of the season is nearly here.  Not surprised that Ned won’t be in Milwaukee, just that he’s moving on before the wildcard is determined.

Illinois 20, Louisiana-Lafayette 17
I would have preferred total domination here to the relatively flat second half put together by my Illini.  I don’t like seeing a I-AA team come back from a 14-point deficit in the 4th quarter.  But it was a W, so we will put it toward the total needed to go somewhere nice in December/January and move on to prepare for the Big Ten season

Notre Dame 35, Michigan 17
I’m torn on this one.  While I don’t mind seeing the Wolverines lose, it’s hard to see Charlie win.  But 6 turnovers?  That deserves total domination.  As long as the Blue and Maize aren’t able to get it together before the Illini come to town…

Mountain West Conference 4, Pac-10 0
Have we moved past parity in college football to the rise of the non-BCS conferences?  Probably not completely, but the Pac-10 was dominated by the Mountain West.  BYU killed UCLA in an embarrassing shutout, but the TCU Horned Frogs (what a team) dominated Stanford 31-14.  The Lobos beat Arizona by more than a TD, and UNLV just edged #15 Arizona State.

Fox, CBS and NBC calls vs. ESPN Monday Night Football
Love the ESPN Monday Night Football commercials.  They always make me smile.  And the Blitz and other NFL programming is solid.  But in the broadcast booth on Monday nights?  Still painful.  Give me any other play-by-play/color team any day — especially on Monday.

I’d like to see more Cubs domination this week, but close games and unexpected upsets make college football fun.  So Pete, in the interest of keeping things interesting, how ’bout letting your team beat itself?

Rainy Days

That’s what we have in both Texas and Chicagoland today.  Someone said to me that it would be an odd weekend without baseball, since the Cubs and Astros postponed games in honor of Ike.  But it doesn’t bother me much this rainy day, thanks to college football.

What does bother me is how hard it is to follow my college team.  I am a proud Illini fan.  And I still live in Illinois.  So I should be able to watch them, even if they are playing FCS Louisiana-Lafayette.  But, thanks to the BTN, I can only catch the Northwestern Wildcats play the Salukis.  I thought that once Comcast and the BTN had a deal, I would be happy.  No such luck.  And quite annoying.

The real highlight of this rainy day is the much-anticipated game between The Ohio State Buckeyes and the Trojans of the University of Southern California.  And although wedding festivities will prevent me from watching the game, I look forward to catching the highlights.  USC is heavily favored at home, but I hope the Buckeyes will play a tough game and surprise the Trojans.  I’d like to see Pete fall to a Big Ten team.  Both teams are very, very good, and it will be a big task for Jim and his boys to pull it out.  But it should be a great college football game.

And as for the Cubbies, enjoying the rain on what likely will be their last off day of the regular season, I expect the break to help them refocus and break out of the slump that killed TheSassyOne’s hopes of a 100+ win season.  Taking the series in St. Louis was critical before heading down to Houston.  The Astros seem to know how to get to the Cubs.  And we need to not be swept by them again.  But the magic number keeps shrinking, and the Cubs are still in control. Let’s avoid further collapse, boys…

Baseball Bits

Pop quiz, hotshot.

1. Bad fundamental baseball
2. Immature behavior by the players
3. Team-wide swoons that “coincidentally” always seem to happen at the worst time
4. A manager more interested in ass-covering than in winning

Match 1-4 with the appropriate letter:

A. Cubs teams under Dusty Baker
B. Brewers teams under Ned Yost

Ha! Trick question. The correct answer is A and B. Sorry, Brewers fans. It’s true. Ned Yost is the white Dusty Baker.

It’s one thing when a player or two (or three) hits a slump, even if the slump happens at the worst possible time. In that case, it’s on the players to fight through it. However, when it seems like the entire team goes into a slump all at once, and when it seems like that slump happens at the same worst time each year, smart money says there’s something systemically wrong. That can’t be explained simply by players failing to execute. Throw in crappy fundamentals, surly attitudes, blown late leads and constant excuses, and you have the Dusty Swoon^TM down pat.

Maybe Yost will prove me wrong, and maybe the Brewers will make the playoffs. But if/when they complete their collapse, here’s my advice. Save yourself all the additional years of heartache. Get yourself a real manager, like we did.

***

This has been bothering me for several days now. Earlier this week, I heard Joe Morgan on ESPN radio (should have known better than to dip back into the national media). Discussing playoff contenders, Morgan indicated he wasn’t interested in backing the Cubs because they “haven’t been able to win on the road all year.” Now, perhaps it’s just me, but isn’t there something so six weeks ago about that comment? The Cubs had more than their share of difficulties on the road for most of the year. But over the last several weeks, they’ve taken care of business on the road. At one point, they had reeled off a double-digit winning streak on the road.

Furthermore, when you put the Cubs in context against the rest of the contenders, it becomes even more obvious that their road play is not a very good reason for discounting their chances in the playoffs. Observe:

Team	Road Mark
Rays	34-36
Bo Sox	36-39
Chi Sox	32-39
Twinkies	31-40
LAAA	43-28
NY Mets	38-36
Phils	39-36
Cubs	37-34
Brew Crew	39-33
‘Stros	37-38
Dodgers	30-41
D-Backs	31-43

Yes, that’s right. Of the 12 teams still in playoff contention, the Cubs are one of just five teams with a winning road record. And four of those are six games or less above .500, excepting only the Los Angeles Angels o’ Anaheim.

And outside of that, it gets even bleaker. Of the 18 teams no longer in playoff contention, just one has a winning record on the road (that’ll be the Cards at 38-34—again, less than six games above). For whatever reason, winning on the road has been especially hard this year. For everyone.

Also, the Cubs are sitting mighty pretty for home field advantage through the NLCS. So technically, they only need to win one whole road game in order to win it all. The Cubs road woes were long ago retired as a legitimate gripe against the Cubs chances. And anyone who’s been paying any attention at all for the last several weeks should have known that. What’s wrong, Joe? Did you take a six-week siesta?

Plus, it’s not like he had to stretch to come up with legitimate reasons for concern about the Cubs. How about: suspect health of their alleged #1 and #2 starting pitchers? A currently shaky closer? An offense that’s run hot and cold (though, to be fair, mostly hot) all year?

Preliminary Olympic Thoughts

The Opening Ceremonies, fascinating as this year’s was, makes me secretly long for the days of repressive hegemonies when there was like 5 countries in the world and thus the Parade of Nations took something less than 46,000 years.

***

NBC’s “Beijing” logo seems innocuous enough when it’s used a graphic on my TV. However, I think the decision to applique it on the front of all their anchors’ shirts was somewhat ill advised. It looks like a Marlboro pack hanging out from a breast pocket. Check it out.

***

I may be biased as a former swimmer, but I think it’s one of the most difficult sports out there. It takes a tremendous combination of muscular strength, cardiovascular endurance, and precise technique. Swimming will kick the crap out of you if you don’t watch it. Thus, if Michael Phelps does manage to haul gold in all eight of his events—heck, even if he wins eight medals of any color—I think this may stand as the single greatest athletic achievement of all time. Top three, at least.

Plus, he dominates the competition with an ease that I, in my lifetime, have only seen from the oft-cited duo of Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan. And perhaps a tennis star or two, maybe Pete Sampras in his heyday—at least if I gave a rip about tennis.

Dumbassery at Its Finest

I made a valiant effort to watch Baseball Tonight last night. In some cases, I don’t even mind BT. It’s better than SportsCenter, which I can only watch in a pop culture-ish, “hey, let’s be like all the other lazy-butts out there and close our night with SportsCenter” kind of way.

Here’s my issue with SC. SportsCenter aims to cover all of sports. But there’s four major sports in the US, plus Nascar, plus golf, plus assorted international happenings that are occasionally of interest, plus special events like the upcoming Olympics, plus pointless stuff like tennis—and there’s really just no way to cover all that adequately within the designated time period. It’s like, if all I’m going to get is 10 seconds on a given story, why even bother? If all you can manage is the most basic, most surface-y, most cursory treatment of a story, then you’re not imparting any actual knowledge. All you’re doing is providing background noise for an hour or so.

It’s the same reason why I hate USA Today, and on business trips would rather the hotel leave the local newspaper outside my door, regardless of how craptacular it is. USA Today’s mission is to give the news to all the country, a remarkably heady endeavor for a paper that’s shorter than my local paper and about 50% fluff anyway. There’s zero substance to USA Today. I’d rather read in-depth coverage of some city’s local news, news that doesn’t make any difference in my life, than read some 50-word article short-shrifting news that is meaningful to me. Just give me something that requires thought, for the love!

But I digress. At least Baseball Tonight narrows their purview quite a bit, enough to allow for a certain degree of substantial coverage and analysis. Plus, the late-running Sox game meant that my local 10 PM sports show was going to get started well past that appointed time, and Baseball Tonight was my next option.

Despite their crisper focus, the broad but not deep knowledge of the BT staff was still on full display. During the obligatory “winners and losers of the trade deadline” conversation, someone (*cough* Kurkjian *cough*) opined that the Brewers were real winners for having picked up CC Sabathia. OK. So far, fair enough. This person, who shall remain nameless, (*cough* Kurkjian *cough*) went on to somewhat dismiss the gagging performance of the Brewers against the Cubs, pointing out that there’s still time left in the season and the Brewers have the wild card to fall back on if they can’t catch the Cubs. OK. I think we’re underestimating just how demoralized this team is right now, but still…fair enough. But then the ship begins to run rapidly aground as he continues with this observation: The Brewers, never known for their ability to draw fans in huge numbers, sold out several midweek games just this week—evidence that excitement for Wisconsin baseball has returned.

Tim? I mean, um, Sir? Perhaps you didn’t notice that half, if not more, of the fans for those midweek sellouts were Cubs fans. Yes, I’ll grant that Wisconsinites are excited about their team. But the near-record crowds of the past several days were mostly driven by Chicagoans making the trip to “Wrigley North.” Regardless of the state of the Brewers, Cubs-Brewers games are pretty much always well attended for this very reason. Look it up, genius.

The network’s own coverage featured multiple shots of Cubs fans waving their W flags and yelling “Sweep! Sweep!” Ned Yost himself noted that “their fans came into our park and had a four-day party.” (And, side note, after the bush league plays of yesterday and the continued failure of the Brewers to reach their potential, is there a man in baseball more in need of being fired than Ned Yost? Yeah, I don’t think so either.)

Though I realize being a Cubs diehard may skew my perspective, I try to remember that the sun does not rise and set over the boys in blue. However, I am pained by his failure to grasp the obvious. Furthermore, why is attendance the chosen indicator of Sabathia’s impact, when his statistics (you know, actual play on the field) speak for themselves? Even though he failed to dispatch the Cubs, I’m still fully ready to concede that Sabathia has been everything he was advertised to be. This seems like a lame attempt to rationalize the whole thing. “Well, hey, they’re still losing! But at least more people are watching them lose! Winnah!” Brilliant logic, that.

Maybe, Tim, you should spend less time obsessing about how the Bo Sox can possibly survive the departure of Asshat Manny, and more time paying attention to what’s appearing on your screen. Just a thought.

Jerome Holtzman: An Appreciation

Baseball writing great Jerome Holtzman has passed away.

I remember reading Holtzman’s columns when he was still a regular writer for the Chicago Tribune. It’s one of the good things about being a precocious grade-schooler. I can still see the place on the page where his writings always appeared.

While I was reading, I was being spoiled without knowing it. I was unconsciously absorbing the belief that encyclopedic knowledge and insightful analysis were traits to be expected, not rare gifts in a world that too often rewards hacks.

Farewell, Jerome. You will be missed.