Surprisingly Hot: Gordon Beckham

 

Everyone likes Gordon Beckham. Called upon to help rejuvenate a floundering team, he’s responded admirably despite switching positions and despite having spent all of about five minutes in the minor leagues. How can you not respect that?

However, there’s a difference between being a legit major leaguer and being a legit hottie. I may be in something of a minority here, but for all the progress he’s made toward the former, I’ve seen little progress toward the latter. Maybe it’s the fact that, to judge by his face, he appears to be stuck at about 12 years old. Maybe it’s the fact that, to judge by his hair, he appears to be stuck at about 18 years old. (Though in the life cycle of a human male, there’s not a whole lot of difference between 18 and 22, nor between 12 and 22.) Whatever the case, it just wasn’t floating my boat.

Until now. I believe I’ve developed a serious case of like for Gordon. And, of all things, it’s thanks to this video (HT: Yahoo’s BLS) of him discussing his luck with the “ladies” at the *ahem* encouragement of an oddly obsequious female reporter, who is singlehandedly setting back the cause of female sports fans way more than Jessica Simpson or Eva Longoria ever did.

It’s shocking, perplexing and—dare I say—surprising that such an offensive piece of fluff would actually make Gordon more desirable. But we ladies have never claimed that we aren’t complex. Two things, I think, are driving this newfound feeling of attraction:

1. The uneasy, bitch-crazy chuckle that he gives when he realizes where the line of questioning is headed.
2. His declaration that the idea that his friends called him “The Slayer” is self-refuting, because anyone who called him that would no longer be his friend. (And you know how I love a good rhetorical jab.)

Gordon Beckham: the surprisingly hot, surprisingly cool master of argumentation, even in the face of annoying-as-hell reporters.

Definitely Not Hot: Unfortunate Facial Hair

We interrupt your regularly scheduled gloating (Brewers suck! Ha ha! [/Nelson]) for some less appealing news.

Am I the only one who’s noticed that Ryan Theriot’s petit French pornstache is looking less petit these days? He’s still running neck-and-neck with Reed Johnson for second most attractive Cub, with Reed having apparently recovered from his own recent facial hair malady.

I myself am partial to facial hair, but if these gentlemen want to do it right, then they should look at the one Cub currently lapping them in the attractiveness derby: Mark DeRosa. Mmmm…nice!

Surprisingly Hot: Ian Kinsler

Ian Kinsler is widely considered baseball’s best kept secret. So far this season, he’s hit .337, stole 23 bases while being caught just once, and pounded out 14 HRs and 58 RBIs. Could you do all that and remain anonymous? Yeah, didn’t think so. (That said, we’ve got to do something about those 16 errors.)

Furthermore, Kinsler’s potential hotness factor has also remained a well kept secret. We may perhaps blame both of these on Josh Hamilton, whose feel good story has dominated the Rangers’ headlines this year. And we can’t help but notice that Hamilton isn’t too hard to look at either.

Nonetheless, this is suprisingly hot, not everyone knows about me because I got off drugs then hit a billion HRs in the derby hot. So back to Kinsler. Though a mere babe at 26, he shows signs of evolving into a full-fledged hottie while concurrently evolving into a full-fledged MVP candidate.

Call me in two or three years, Ian.

Surprisingly Not Hot: Nick Swisher

With a cute name like Nick Swisher and a nice Midwestern boy pedigree, you’d think that the newest White Sox OF would be a least a mild hottie. Sadly, that is not the case.

However, as long as he continues to get on base at a .380 clip, he can be as homely as he wants to be.

Surprisingly Useful: Hunter Pence

At one point, theCleverOne and I had discussed the possibility of including Hunter Pence in our “Surprisingly Hot” series. However, we reasoned that it might be too much too soon, given that we’d already spotlighted a young baseball player having a breakout year (see: Hamels, Cole). And honestly, given the fact that he seems to have really good games against us, I wasn’t feeling particularly affectionate toward him anyway (though he is kind of hot in the way that you’d notice your friend’s somewhat younger brother is hot).

But with his game-winning hit last night, a win that knocked the Brewers back down a game behind us, I must admit that he is not only a little bit hot, but occasionally useful. Thanks, Hunter. We owe you!

Surprisingly Hot: David Beckham

I know what you’re thinking. Surprisingly hot? More like notoriously hot. But just hear me out on this.

 A true sports fan can only tolerate so much overlap between celebrity and athlete. I mean, Matt Leinart will never live down being BFF with Nick Lachey (among a host of things Pretty Boy Matt will never live down, but I digress). David Beckham is friends with Tom Cruise. TOM CRUISE!!! He married a frickin’ Spice Girl, for crying out loud. He has a line of men’s cologne named after him. He has been known to do interesting things with his hair. Normally, all this should overrun any objective physical attractiveness a man might possess.

So it is nothing short of a true miracle that David Beckham manages to defy all this. Despite the deck being stacked against him on nearly every front, he remains spectacularly sexy and, well, surprisingly hot. As they might say on the other side of the pond, good show!

Surprisingly Hot: Cole Hamels

[Editor's Note: If all goes according to plan, "Surprisingly Hot" will become a semi-regular feature. "Surprisingly Hot" is a section wherein we profile gentlemen (mostly sports-related, with an occasional detour) who have surprised us with their hotness. Do try to keep up, won't you? The surprise portion of this equation may come from a number of factors. A number 1: the subject may be a lesser known personality, with this heretofore unknown quality delivering the surprise. B number 2: the subject may have certain qualities--lack of classically handsome features, unfortunate fashion choices, small stature, etc.--that would seem to limit his hotness, with this ability to defy convention providing the surprise. C number 3: a combination of the above. D number 4: other factors that we reserve the right to introduce in the future.]

And so without further ado…

I give you Cole Hamels. His hair is too scraggly for TheSassyOne, his frame too emaciated for me (although the musculature of his arms in this above picture might cause me to rethink that), and his year of birth too recent for TheCleverOne. And yet…surprisingly hot.