Osborne Anoints Self as Football Coach

Lincoln, NE—Nebraska athletic director Tom Osborne has appointed himself the new coach of the Nebraska football team. Osborne replaces Bill Callahan, whom Osborne displaced after a brief, bloodless coup.

“It’s true,” Osborne said. “I have returned to college coaching after an absence that went on far too long.”

Osborne vehmently denied any suggestion that he intends to make this change permanent. “This solution is only for the time being,” he insisted, calling it an “interim” move. “I do not intend to become the permanent coach of this football team,” Osborne stated. “I know it is hard to believe, but I am not going to live forever. So I will have to give it up at some point, but that is a decision the good Lord will have to make. My decisions are concerned with the here and now, as well as the future, both foreseeable and distant.”

Osborne cited tradition as a reason for the change. “Part of what makes our program so special is the great respect we have for those who have gone before us. There is a long and rather rich legacy of dictators—err, great leaders—who have deposed their enemies and then used their power to assume those now-vacated roles themselves. We here at Nebraska hold our heritage in the utmost regard, and I would humbly suggest that I am but one man continuing in this illustrious tradition.”

No other university representatives were made available for comment, with freedom of speech having been suspended across campus. Osborne also described that decree as an “interim” measure intended to restore order, and attempted to quell rumors that martial law would soon be instituted. “Trust me, I am doing this for the good of all those who call this university home, and for all members of our faction scattered abroad,” he said.

Network Power

The NFL Network has been working overtime to justify itself since it started, which was fairly recently, I think.  (I tend to prefer college games) But with CBS, Fox, NBC and ESPN showing all the games, they haven’t gained much traction. 

But tonight they grabbed attention as the only way to watch the second-most hyped game of the season thus far — aside from actually attending it.  (The game may have been hyped more, but I’m guessing most of the big networks didn’t want to lose to many viewers).  Packers v. Cowboys in Dallas.  The veteran Farve taking on one of his fans who made it to the big league.  The young, rising star against a sure Hall-of-Famer.  Both teams 10-1.  (Side note:  While Dallas fell to the Patriots in the most-hyped game of the year to-date, the Packers lost to the Bears — not quite the same thing.) Farve visiting a stadium he hasn’t won in.  Romo and company being told not to ask for autographs during the pre-game.  Compelling stuff.

But alas, millions of homes across the country didn’t get to watch Farve leave with an injury in the second quarter, see Romo and Owens break single-season TD pass/reception records, check out young Aaron Rodgers efforts to fill Farve’s shoes, and, ultimately, see the Cowboys win again.  Those homes don’t get the NFL Network.  (I’m one of those, but I enjoyed watching Louisville comeback to beat Rutgers at home in the 4th quarter.)  Ahh, the outrage, the annoyance, the business for Wisconsin bars.

For once, cheeseheads and diehard ‘Boys fans, I can understand your pain.  I’ve been faced with a similar situation — the Big Ten Network.  I won’t go into detail, but I know it’s annoying to not have the access you expect to your team.  I don’t appreciate the power of such networks to disrupt my sports life as they negotiate with cable and satellite providers to decide how much I should pay to watch my boys play. 

Who Wants It More?

When it comes to the BCS Championship Bowl, it’s hard to tell.  Teams ranked #1 and #2 in the (extremely confusing) BCS standings are falling more quickly than I can follow (at least in the turkey-induced coma of the holiday weekend).  Is there some kind of curse on the BCS Championship?  I realize the system is messed up, but it’s a bit young to already be cursed.

The ”what if” scenarios explaining what team could attend what bowl are dizzying.  Mizzou and West Virginia are on top, but both have one more game to play.  My Illini could end up anywhere from Florida to California, depending on more games than I can count.  LSU and Oklahoma are dominating 2-loss teams that are championship caliber, but it’s unlikely that either will end up in New Orleans.

So I’ve decided to focus on college basketball.  The ACC/Big Ten Challenge is overhyped, but it’s a nice way to get an early season look at these power conferences, top to bottom.  The ACC continues to dominate early in the season, but when it counts, the Big Ten has had more teams in the Big Dance.

Bipolar Bears

What a game. Rollercoaster ride doesn’t even begin to cover it. Where does one even begin to catalogue the extremes of this victory? Well, here’s a stab at it:

Defensive lapses! Blocked punts! The offensive line playing like crap! The Broncos kicking to Hester! Dropped passes! Improbable catches! Rex Grossman: turnover machine! Rex Grossman: clutch performer! The offensive line playing like crap—again! The Broncos kicking to Hester—again! Cedric Benson! Adrian Peterson!

Anymore of this insanity, and I’m going to do a back-of-the-hand-meets-forehead faint job, a la a hysterical southern belle wilting in the Georgia heat.

A few other notes:

(1) Look, Adrian Peterson is not The Answer. He’s a very nice change of pace back, and isn’t anything more for the long term. But when he dragged half of the Broncos along with him into the end zone—yeah, that was nice. He didn’t flinch at the first contact, or the second, or the third, or the fourth…

For that one all too brief moment, Adrian Peterson was the running back Cedric Benson erroneously thinks he is.

(2) Favorite gem from the play-by-play: “Adam Archuleta just couldn’t make that play.” You know what’d be awesome? A nickel for every time that phrase could be used.

(3) The Bears won’t make the playoffs. I say that with the same measure of confidence that I used when I said that the Bears couldn’t beat the Broncos. Or the Eagles. But here’s what’s awesome:

Teams in the NFC Wild Card Hunt
Giants (7-3): Bears are going to play ‘em.
Redskins (5-6): Bears are going to play ‘em.
Eagles (5-6): Bears beat ‘em.
Lions (6-5): Eh…the Lions still suck.
Vikings (5-6): Bears lost to them once, but are going to play ‘em.
Saints (5-6): Bears are going to play ‘em.
Cardinals (5-6): Bears don’t play ‘em.

I’m not saying they’re going to make the playoffs. All I’m saying is that it’s going to be interesting. Almost as interesting as the off-season. Lots of choices here. Running back: a recently injured and always ineffective Cedric Benson or death? Quarterback: a mercurial Grossman or an unspectacular Griese or an unproven Orton or what’s behind Door #4? Wide receiver: an unreliable Bernard Berrian or an elderly Muhsin Muhammad or draft/free agent roulette? Offensive line: anything but this crap. And that’s not even touching the defense…

The New and Improved Blackhawks

I know that vows have been made not to discuss hockey, but in this case the hockey news affects another Chicago team as well, since the Blackhawks poached well-liked Cubs Team Prez John McDonough to fill the same post in their organization. Can’t really blame McDonough. His future was going to remain up in the air until the Cubs got sold, and that whole business is likewise up in the air. It’s also interesting because McDonough comes from the marketing side of things, so this appears to be yet another step in the Blackhawks’ suddenly aggressive campaign for relevance.

I’m guessing this newfound drive—promising rookies, home games on TV, new and very visible president, etc.—can be traced to one, or both, of two things. I’d like to think that the B’hawks see that the time is ripe for them to return to relevance. Two of the other four professional teams, the Cubs and the Sox, aren’t playing right now. And the other two, the Bears and the Bulls, have been a massive (huge, gigantic, monstrous—take your pick) disappointment so far. Chicago fans expected to have not one but two contending teams to cheer on at this point in time. And what have we got? Zipola. But the Blackhawks have actually been somewhat respectable this year. They’re in the thick of the playoff hunt, notwithstanding the fact that it is still too early in their season to seriously talk playoffs. So there’s the nice and squishy-sounding reason: the Hawks are hoping, in this holiday season, to bring joy to a city full of despondent sports fans.

Now the mean and hard (and far more likely) reason. When Bill Wirtz kicked the bucket a little while back, hockey fans in Chicago seemed torn between two competing impulses. The first impulse was to follow the traditional pattern of lionizing the dead, however much you may have loathed them while they were alive. The second impulse was to conclude that death was no reason not to tell the truth: that Wirtz had all but run the franchise into the ground with his bass-ackward ways of doing things. Far be it for me to speak ill of the dead, but I’m inclined to follow the latter impulse. And while I’m sure that Rocky Wirtz, “Dollar” Bill’s son and new Blackhawks Chief (oh come on, let me have that one), would never be caught saying mean things about his recently deceased father, his actions have not been a ringing endorsement of ol’ Billy-boy. I’m sure Wirtz the Younger will continue to pay lip service to all the wonderful things his father did for the franchise, but actions speak a whole lot louder than words. There is no greater indictment of Wirtz the Elder’s handling of the Blackhawks than the fact that his son has run fast and far in the exact opposite direction.

And you know what? Good for him. Good for him for not caving to pressure to carry on the tradition that his father began. Some traditions are better off dying out.

Beyond Expectations

This college football season has far exceeded my expectations for entertainment value.  AND, my Illini are on the national radar! 

I savored the Ohio State upset.  And I would have enjoyed watching my Illini roll past Northwestern while Ohio State encouraged Lloyd Carr to retire.  But the last couple weeks have been pretty hectic, and I had non-football-related commitments Saturday that caused me to miss the college football highlights. 

Lots of top-5 upsets, high-scoring games and struggling powerhouses have made this season one for the record books…I’m sorry to see it coming to an end, but I’m looking forward to some exciting bowl games…

Adios, Jonny Boy

So the White Sox have dumped Jon Garland in exchange for Orlando Cabrera and cash.

There’s actually a lot to like about this trade. In theory, starting pitching is an area of depth for the Sox—more about that in a minute. Garland was due a lot of money this year ($12 mil to be exact) and as a free agent to be, he’s going to haul even more when he signs that fat new contract. The Sox were obviously not going to be involved in those dealings, with Kenny Williams already having made clear his “free is not cheap enough” policy on paying for starting pitching. So you get something for him instead of having him depart in free agency with no return whatsoever.

And what they got in return fills a huge need for the Sox: a solid #2 hitter and gold glove shortstop, a huge upgrade over Juan Uribe. Plus, they save about $3 million in salary, and they got the cash from the Angels. Assuming that windfall is donated to a good cause (Torii Hunter currently seems the most likely beneficiary), that improves the team even more. On the whole, I’m certainly inclined to be in support of this trade.

Buuuuuuut (there’s always at least one), why was this deal not done before they re-signed Uribe? I’m sure this is just my ignorance of baseball type things, but what about this deal was so prohibitive that it apparently wasn’t even on the radar screen when he inked his new deal? That $4.5 million salary of his would also be a nice addition to the slowly amassing pile of extra cash they’ve got. So now it’s either trade him, which will probably happen because shortstops are always at a premium, even those who have no plate discipline to speak of, or keep him as utility guy. And let me tell you, $4.5 million is a hefty price tag for a utility player who can’t hit. Either this deal needed to get done before they had to make their decision on Uribe, or they should have let him go and take the risk. It’s not like they could do much worse than him.

Also, while I realize the theory that the Sox have a surplus of starting pitching, I’m not entirely convinced. Buehrle and Vasquez (who finally put it all together last season) are solid. Then you’ve got Contreras, who can be dominant. He can even be dominant for extended stretches. But the balance of the last 18 months—a substantial sample size—suggests those days are long gone. Then you’ve got John Danks and Gavin Floyd, two very promising younguns. But for every promising youngun who makes good in the big leagues, there’s at least four or five who fizzle. So by my calculation, 60% of your starting rotation looks suspect in one fashion or another. Floyd and Danks could very well turn out to be the pitchers they appeared to be in their better stretches last season. But laying your cards down on not one but two unproven players, in a position as vital as starting pitcher? May it never be said that Kenny Williams isn’t brave.

Bears Quarterback Controversy #8,675,259

I’ve got to think that Lovie Smith is praising the football gods that Brian Griese’s shoulder is apparently injured enough to keep him out of action at least for the time being. This avoids, or maybe sidesteps—nah, just postpones—the latest in an interminably long string of Bears QB controversies. Rex’s football career in Chicago is probably still dead, but it’s not quite buried just yet. We’ll have a zombie under center come Sunday.

I’ve got to believe that Rex sleeps with his copy of How To Win Friends And Influence People under his pillow every night. How else to explain the fact that every last one of his teammates seems to really, really, really like him? OK, Grossman visibly lifted the mood of the team in 2005 when he took over for Kyle Orton late in the season. But that was easy to excuse. The team thought they were trading in an in-over-his-head rookie for their franchise quarterback. And they all rallied ’round Rex last year, but that was easy to excuse too. The team was winning games on their way to an NFC championship and a Super Bowl appearance. But a recently disgraced Grossman dragging himself off the bench to sub for an injured Brian Griese, and bringing such a lift to the spirits of the whole team even before his game-winning TD pass? Not so easy to explain, except that everyone really, really, really likes him a whole lot. I don’t know. Maybe he hands out $100 bills in the locker room or something.

But unless Grossman plays like he’s never played before, the QB controversy will come up again. Griese had a chance to establish himself, and he even looked for a brief while like he might do just that. Then he regressed to the tune of four interceptions in one game.

I submit that, at least among the fans, the once and future QB controvery isn’t gonna be Grossman vs. Griese. It’s Grossman/Griese vs. Orton. This season is a lost cause unless the Bears pull off some miraculous resurgence to get back into serious playoff contention. Why not see what you’ve got already on your roster? I can’t blame anyone for thinking that way. Plus, a whole lot of people are still thinking fondly about that impressive run that Orton made when pressed into service in 2005. Problem is that the Bears were winning in spite of him, not because of him. Of course, it was this same sin that got Grossman kicked out of Eden, but hey—who knows! Maybe Orton, despite not taking a meaninful snap in almost two years now, has improved in the meantime. Ah, absence. How she doth make the heart grow fonder.

Does It Get Much Better?

The 2007 college football season is building to a climax, as top team prepare for some of their toughest games of the conference season next week.  It’s been an exciting season.  And this weekend, college hoops get underway, with the official beginning of the non-confernce schedule.  I love college sports!

First, football.  In the Big Ten, Michigan has a tough game against Wisconsin, while Ohio State will face the vastly improved Illini as they prepare for the best college football rivalry in the country.  Undefeated Kansas (did I really just write that in a football preview?) will have a tough test at Oklahoma State.  And Auburn at Georgia should be a good game. 

And then college basketball.  Exhibition games over the past week already have fans wondering what the 2007-08 season will bring.  Most D1 schools blew out their opponents as expected, but there were shocking exceptions.  Michigan State lost to Grand Valley State.  Ohio State lost to Findlay.  Kentucky lost to Gardner-Webb.  (By the way Billy, not the way to impress Wildcat Nation.)  Can’t wait to see what the real season will bring…

No Love for Lovie

So says Pro Football Weekly, questioning Smith’s rapid consolidation of power, his ability to evaluate talent (particularly offensive talent), and the lack of accountability within the team. The hustle of the offensive line was also questioned, and let’s just say that their play so far this year isn’t going to do a whole lot of put a dent in that perception.
 
Lovie isn’t at the top of my list at the moment, but I’m not off the Lovie Love Train just yet. I will concede an apparent lack of accountability on the team (see: Briggs, Lance and a rather curious car-related incident…and that’s before we even get into the Tank Johnson matter). In that respect, I’m starting to get uncomfortable flashbacks to the Chicago manager whose Love Train I most infamously fell off of: one Dusty Baker.
 
The talent evaluation has been troublesome, this year in particular, but let’s be fair on this one. I mean: paging Jerry Angelo!
 
And if Lovie is a Cedric Benson cheerleader, as the article also asserts, consider me perplexed. To me, the most baffling thing about the Cedric Benson issue is the repeated yet sporadic benchings he gets over the course of a game. Come on. Either he is the back of the future, or he isn’t. If they’ve already decided he isn’t, then fine. But in that case, let’s take a look at what else we’ve got, with an eye to the future. Enough with the charade.
 
And if they still think he might be the back of the future, for reasons that are surely only known to them, shouldn’t they actually play him consistently, give him a fighting chance to prove himself? I mean, aren’t they going to feature their “feature back”? Either way, this system isn’t working. The phrase “fish or cut bait” comes to mind, for some reason.
 
So either: (1) The anonymous sources are wrong about Lovie’s love for Benson. Not entirely out of the question. Lovie’s never one to call a player out (see again: lack of accountability) and depending on how highly placed this source is, it’s quite possible he doesn’t know what actually goes on behind closed doors. (2) Someone with more pull than Lovie isn’t high on Benson, resulting in pressure to split playing time with the other backs. Not likely. The only person with perhaps more pull than Lovie is Angelo, and he’s got even more riding on Benson.
(3) Ron Turner has run amok with his gameplan, and Lovie doesn’t quite know how to stop him. I’ll also consider this unlikely, given the aforementioned consolidation of power (see; Rivera, Ron). (4) We should add in-game strategy and in-game personnel management to the list of things Lovie isn’t good at.
 
Unfortunately for the going-nowhere Bears, right now (4) is looking most probable.